Well I've had a completely ad-lib long weekend of eating at my parent's house. I don't know what it is about going there that makes me eat so much. I suspect it's linked to emotional eating and how going back home makes me mentally slip back into childhood where I could eat anything and everything it wouldn't matter. My mother is also a complete binge-enabler: "you're allowed just a little treat once in a while". Nooo mother! I had to beg her not to have her usual hoard of chocolates in the house before I came down so instead she had a heap of dried fruit, nuts, fresh fruit, cheeses... need I go on?
I brought my little scales with me (which I have yet to blog about, but needless to say they're awesome) but I did I use them? No! I think I was too embarrassed because we had a cousin from far away staying with us. I'm so paranoid that people will think I have an eating disorder if they see me weigh my food. Well, I'm actually worried I do have an eating disorder anyway. I gained 8 lbs in four days! That's not healthy. I feel really bloated and fat around my face. It's the most I've weighed all year and to be honest it's left me quite depressed. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning and had no appetite all day. I have a martial arts competition in two week's time and I know I won't make the weight category, my body just won't give up the weight that quickly. I guess I have to face up to the fact that right now I'm not doing CRON - I'm basically just binging and fasting. I can't give up though, I want to be fit and slim and live a long and healthy life so I'll continue to update this journal and do my best at calorie restriction with optimal nutrition.
I want to not crave carbs so much. I want to re-learn how to respond to my body's hunger signals instead of just feeding it at regular intervals. I want to reduce my portion sizes and not crave more when I'm finished. I want to learn how to make more delicious, healthy food. I want to be able to deal with hunger better - it's really not the end of the world if I'm hungry for half an hour. I want to be able to turn down unhealthy food without feeling deprived.
I have to list some positive things because otherwise I'll just sit here and cry and think about how I've ruined my body and fitness in the past month.
* Still cycling to and from work every day. I raised my seat a few inches and it made all the difference to my speed.
* Started jogging/running/stumbling in the early morning - at an embarrassingly slow pace.
* Bought iron supplements for days when I'm low.
* Bought a bag of brazil nuts for days when I'm low on selenium. Hopefully I won't eat these by the handful!
Well, as I said before, I can't give up. I am truly dedicated to CRON and I hope that will make all the difference.